For people living in these United States, Our National Flag Day is June 14. This is a day designated to honor the stars and stripes that make our flag the icon that it is. Reading up on this holiday and all the different ways one is meant to properly handle and display the American flag, I began thinking of another kind of flag, one that has come to play just as great a role in my life and relationships: The Red Flag.
Historically, the “Red Flag” is an international symbol for the blood of angry workers,” but it is also commonly used to describe the blood of angry spouses. For people who are dating and as many in long-term unions, every day is flag day, meaning the red flags they noticed early on in their courtship remain a relevant part of their lives. A friend of mine whose husband disappeared for a month when they first started dating, saying that he felt things were going too fast, says that even ten years later, that flag still waves, as he often feels the need to flee on weekends, leaving her alone with their young children.
For me, the red flag was a man who told me after three dates that he had commitment issues and that every relationship he’d ever had ended badly. At the time, I compared him to a serial killer who says, “I’ve killed before. I don’t want to kill again, but I probably will.” In response, I told a friend, “I feel like there are more red flags here than that Christo exhibit in the park.” And although I noticed this man’s red flags, I debated what to do with them, as he was very sweet to me and we always had a terrific time together, which is when I began asking people the proper way to react to a red flag.
Unlike the American flag, which has strict guidelines for how it should be properly displayed -- The flag is flown from sunrise to sunset; in the morning it should be raised briskly; in the evening slowly -- I’ve found that many people feel there are varying ways to handle and properly display a red flag. For example, for some, the answer is as simple as a sunny, suburban front lawn: let it wave. Like the national flag, which is supposed to be flown at the top of the pole, with state or other flags flying below it, some believe that the best way to display a red flag is to make it highly visible. This was the case when I dated a drummer who said he regularly got hate letters from women he dated. He described a particular letter, the paper shredded in places by an angry pen, in which an ex-girlfriend said “you’re even faker than my orgasms.” “Okay, so that’s clearly a red flag,” my friend Eve, said. “You know it’s there. You watch it.”
And while there is a very special ceremony for retiring a decaying American flag (the proper course of action is to burn it), some people feel this is the only way to treat a red flag. Destroy it and be done with it, never to be seen again.
“Get out now before he makes you crazy,” my friend Sarah said in reference to the man we’d dubbed “The Serial Killer.” “That guy’s never going to change. The only response to red flags like that is to run the other way.”
As so many of the red flags I’ve encountered in relationships have left me feeling vexed, it seems all the more appropriate that someone who studies flags is called a vexilogist . While someone who studies red flags is often called a therapist.
In an effort to better understand the varying symbolism of the red flag, I began researching world flags.
I recalled an early date in which an ex-boyfriend described stealing his girlfriend’s car when he suspected her of cheating on him. This seemed to me a very obvious red flag (I say this in retrospect, of course, as I completely ignored it at the time.) Looking back, I’ve come to see this red flag as the equivalent of the National Flag of Guam, both bold and obvious in its message. The Guam flag is dark blue with a narrow red border on all four sides; in the center is a beach scene, an outrigger canoe with a sail, and a palm tree with the word GUAM superimposed in bold red letters. Unlike the flag for the Isle of Man, which shows what looks like a boomerang with three legs, something from a Monty Python cartoon, The Guam flag is very straightforward – come here and enjoy our beach -- with little room for interpretation. Like my ex-boyfriend who told me he watched as his ex-girlfriend called the police to report her car stolen, the Guam flag tells you all you need to know.
In other countries, Flag day is a call for charity. In India, for example, the armed forces collect donations door to door as a sign of solidarity and support and in return, distribute token flags. In the same vain, Red Flags may also illicit calls for charity. For example, when I told my friend Eve about the guy I dubbed “the serial killer,” she urged compassion. “It’s troubling,” she said. “But the poor guy. He sounds like he’s in a lot of pain if you ask me.”
